THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD is s**t...That's right, s**t! You can smoke s**t, get s**t faced, buy s**t, sell s**t, lose s**t, find s**t, tell people to go and s**t, forget s**t, Some people know their s**t and some have s**t for brains, There's lucky s**ts, dumb s**ts & crazy s**t, there's bull s**t, horse s**t, chicken s**t, deep s**t, the wrong s**t, the right s**t & not enough s**t, weird s**t, scary s**t, up s**t creek without a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to s**t. You could pass this along if you give a s**t.... or not if you don't give a s**t. Hope you have a s**t free day but remember........ s**t Happens!!!.....
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!" The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
Three men die on Xmas Eve. To get into heaven St Peter says you must have something on you that represents Xmas. The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says it's a candle, St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman jingles his keys and says they're sleigh bells, St Peter lets him pass. The Irishman pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says how the hell do they represent Xmas?. Paddy says "they're Carols".
The Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: 'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
I walked passed the YMCA today, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers... I said, "Young man, there's no need to feel down!"
Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said: "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity" So I left without fooking paying!!..
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"