It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
A kindergaren pupil told his teacher he had found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst!' and it didn't move."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle."
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"
Buy a Mac I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out. Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits! Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code! Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side. Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas! Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show! Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in? Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean! Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade! Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider! Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target! Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats. Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds. Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up! Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued." Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!" Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
Best Pickup Lines --Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package! --Come on baby, sex is like pizza: Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good. --I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!! --Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want? --All those curves, and me with no brakes........ --If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon --I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day --I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen -one? --Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. --There's a party at your ankles... why don't you invite your pants down? --If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? --I'm like a tropical island: hot exotic and open for tourists --I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. --How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? --My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. --You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! --Your name must be Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be. --I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. --Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine. --I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. --You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. --Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. --Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's. --You got more game than a playstation
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one. He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one. He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket? The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N", she answered.
A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol. The police asked the man to produce his car document. When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realize that you committed a criminal offense by driving alone in this car at late night?" The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car." The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car? I charge you for overloading!"
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds. One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?" "No, I flew" "What about your theory on the possibility of a bomb?" "Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."