Talking in Code A young man in a Audi yelled at Susie and her friend, "Hey, Susie! How ya doin'?" Susie yelled back, "Hi, Sixty-Four! Doing great. See you later." Susie's friend thought Sixty-Four was an odd name and commented so. Susie explained, "That's because he has six inches, but he's good for four times a night." Later, a guy in a BMW yelled out and Susie yelled back, "Hey, Seventy-Two! How are things?" "Seventy-Two?” asked her friend. Susie explained, "He has seven inches, but he's only good for twice a night." Then a guy rode past on a bicycle and gave Susie gave a shout. She replied, "Hey, Johnny Walker! How's it going?" When he was out of sight, Susie's friend said, "Wait a minute. I know him. His name isn't Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker is a liquor." Susie replied, "So... you've broken my code already!"
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off. ''Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!
A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry. "There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?" "No, no," says the elephant "I recognize the keys."
Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
FUMING IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?.............That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open the windows,and eat all my chocolates !!
Well that was a good job interview, they were really impressed when i told them by the time i was 25 i had 500 people under me where i worked. I didnt tell them i mowed the lawn in the cemetary though
The Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped with my back pack."