Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins
Man walks in to a pub in Dublin, and asks “am I too early for a drink?” The barman say “yes, it’s 10 minutes till opening time, you can wait over there though (points to a chair)”. The man says thanks and sits down, The barman then says “would you like a drink, while you're waiting”.
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
The manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home football game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realise it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter beneath both feet?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to looks like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is ok now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. At the gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring back food to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all of his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard too, so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Wife asks the husband, "Who is the fool, you or me?" The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "Honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool."
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fkamin dog!