I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing. They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account. All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.
A Man With A Winking Problem Is Applying For A Position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A Blonde Woman Wants To Prove She Is Smart. So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
Seamus the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing. One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly. At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Seamus would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. After the mourners left, the Priest approached, Seamus and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?” Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
"Are you dating anyone?" the assistant asked me. "Yes obviously!" I said with irritation as I analyzed the remaining radioactive carbon in the ancient corpse before me.
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. ' ' What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.' Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.' The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. Oh and Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs. {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain. {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! Send this to all that will appreciate it! oh They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!!
A guy rings his boss and says " Sorry I can't come in to work today" The boss asks him "Why not? Are you sick?" The guy replies "It's my eyes" Why? What's wrong with your eyes?" "I just can't see myself coming into work today"
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine"... I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles"... Officer, "Why not"...? I said, "It was buy one get one free"...
Pre-Marriage Test Before you marry someone you should make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are...
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on holiday in the summer. Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My son's music teacher called me up and said looks like we have a new Elvis on our hands. I said "wow is he that good?" She said "no we just found him dead in the toilet"