Sorry to hear about your loss it must be very difficult time for you and your family i have lost my wife few weeks ago, two years ago bought her tesla i knew these are fire hazard but i still got one for her we had some troubles i mean relationship troubles don't want to talk much about it, anyways she died last month inside tesla no one else got hurt thank God. myself struggled to cope it was really difficult and i dont really know what i would do if my gf wasn't around. theyre in a better place now i mean my exwife and your son
A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of dentures. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he could only talk in the pulpit for five minutes. The second Sunday, his sermon lasted for ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for an hour and 30 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than five minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put in his wife's teeth by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
"What happened ?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. "By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time ?" asked the visitor. "Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be. Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing £75. 'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan. The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. 'Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.' Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him. Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.' So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." "Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"
A police driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former sergeant on the force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise to never book a judge by his cover."
FUNERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Hello it is with deepest heart felt condolences that I inform you about the death of our most controversial friend and well known Mrs. 2023. She is survived by her 12 husbands, 52 children and 365 grandchildren. The funeral took place on Saturday December 31 at 11:59pm. For more information contact Pastor January on his cell number 01 01 2024. She asked me to inform you that she died with ALL you our problems, sickness, disappointments, frustrations, untimely deaths, shame, disgrace, discouragement, failures, pain and rejection. Her successor - Mrs. 2024 asked me to inform you that she is going to compensate you with: Long life, good health, abundant blessings, love, peace, joy, righteousness, promotion, uplifting, breakthrough, supernatural miracles, wealth and prosperity. HE came to Bless you, Receive your Blessing.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I came home tonight to find my beautiful next door neighbour had broken into my house and was laying on my bed dressed only in stockings and crotchless knickers. She said "Take me, Take me now!!!" I said "Alright as long as it`s not too far as I havent got much petrol in the car."
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan... spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan F yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until... DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan F yourself!”?
A blonde named Sue marries a Yorkshire farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The farmer leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow." he says. Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, because I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple", she confidently explains, "By the nail that's over its stall". Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for"? The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."