My missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own front room
Now times have changed my neighbor has an old horse drawn wagon in his front yard council says it is art i have an old car up on bricks council says it is junk!
Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly. Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.
We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.
A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
EMPLOYEE INSULTS - “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” “I would not allow this employee to breed.” “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” “When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.” “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” “Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.” “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
My mate was on the radio doing a live quiz, and the presenter asks ‘ for $100, can you tell me, who was the first woman on earth?’ My mate is quiet for a couple of seconds, the he says ‘Gimme a clue!’ 'Go on then' says the DJ ' Think of an apple' ‘That’s easy' my mate replies its ' Granny Smith'
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water." "And now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this only once.... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE DARNED PORRIDGE YET!!!"
The pilot, co-pilot and navigator climbed into the cockpit and took their seats. The pilot reached into his carry-on and pulled out a .38 Smith and Wesson pistol, then placed it on the top of the instrument panel. The navigator looked in surprise and asked "What is that for?" "Just in case you get us lost" replied the pilot. The navigator shrugged and pulled out a Colt .45 and put it on his console. The pilot looked and asked "What is that for"? The navigator replied "I will know we are lost long before you do!"
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in1964 me self!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."