A couple of my mates are having a joint party for Chinese New year and Burns night. It's called Chinese Burns night... I didn't want to go but they twisted my arm!
Did you hear about the farm that produced camel milk? They shut down because of the chaos caused by camels running away and attacking people who tried to milk them, combined with legal disputes and a nasty divorce among the owners. Yep. Turned out to be a real drama-dairy!
Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty - Most people deserve each other. - All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken. - The one who snores will fall asleep first. - The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding. - The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse. - If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need. - The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with. - Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend
Confucius Say. It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you Confucius Say. A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise Confucius Say. It is better to lose a lover than love a loser Confucius Say. Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy Confucius Say. Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he's coming or going Confucius Say. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts Confucius Say. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest Confucius Say. Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride Confucius Say. It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want Confucius Say. A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce! "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…… A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ? ”
My precious little boy scored the winning goal for his brand new team today and I cried like a baby as I looked up to the sky wishing mum and dad could have been here to share the joy. They're not though, the pair of bastards left for Spain two hours before kick-off.
People say that certain types of music can take you to another place. This is very true; I was in the pub the other night and a Justin Bieber song was playing on the jukebox, so I went to another pub.