You know you're 50 when... You now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head. Your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart's parking lot on the first try. You have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can't see over your belly. Your trick knee goes out more than you do. Your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your bad back. You want your kids' to think you're cool, so you ask them to help set up your own page on MyFace and you can't understand what they're giggling about. Getting some action means all those prunes your doctor is making you eat are doing their job. You and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship. Getting high means it's time to take your blood pressure medication.
My Missus said she wanted to spice up our sex life with some role-playing .She wanted me to be a doctor and she was going to be my patient? I agreed so i've given her a phone appointment next Thursday at 11am.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well." "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Da's deid?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandad's died?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
The priest had been invited to lunch and young Paddy asked, "Do hens have tits?" His mother said, "Paddy, you shouldn't ask such questions," prompting the priest to say, "I believe it would be appropriate to explain to your son." "Why do you ask?" said mom to Patty. "Well," said Paddy, "I overheard dad tell the maid that he wished his old hen had tits like she had."
So I've just finished converting my car to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer. It wouldn't start at first, then I realised I hadn't shut the f@ckin door properly!
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates". The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my feckin fingers.”
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "That lizard's really funny" The tribesman replied ... "That's not a lizard, He' a stand up chameleon!"
My wife was in court today for pinching a tin of Peaches,we dont get on but i went with her for moral support,The judge said how many peaches where in the tin? She said 6 the judge said 6 weeks in prison, I shouted out Hold on a minute,,,,She pinched a tin of Peas as well,,,,,