A kindergarten class had settled down to it's coloring books. One boy went up to the teacher's desk and said, "I ain't got no crayons." "You mean," she replied, " 'I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," the boy said. "What happened to all the freakin crayons?".
A guy starts his holiday in France at a popular restaurant. He opens the door then suddenly stops, but he sees a man walking towards him. He gestures to the door and says, "Ma dam-" but the gentleman cuts him off. "It's Monsieur." And the man walks off looking annoyed. Thankfully a different man started walking towards him and he points to the door and starts again "Ma dam-" but again he's cut off, "It's Monsieur, you stupid Englishman." And he keeps walking. Finally a staff member from the restaurant comes to the door and says, "Monsieur, you are scaring away our customers and I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave." The man says "I can't! Ma damn sleeve is stuck in the door!
Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll warn you about what happened last week! He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!” Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?” Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
“Get this…” said a guy to his friends “Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. “Did he get anything?” his buddies asked. “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
On a chilly winter evening, a husband and wife were snuggled together on the sofa recliner watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she said. "That's so sweet." "Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."
A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day. The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.' The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.' 'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.' 'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-s**t!!..
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Police pull over Paddy for speeding 'Have you been drinking sir?' Paddy replies' Yes officer I have had 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 Bacardi and cokes' Policemen says ' What the hell are you doing driving!' Paddy replies, 'I couldn't feckin walk!'
I ran out of clean socks so I piled them on a tray, grabbed the detergent and headed to the launderette down the block, a steep hill. As I was walking down the hill I slipped and fell and the dirty socks went flying and the detergent went flying and there I was ..... sitting on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.
In 1887 a British politician by the name of Lord John Action wrote a letter to Bishop Creighton in which he said, "absolute power corrupts absolutely". I wonder if Lord John Action believed that God was corrupt like Donald Trump.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful. Little Mary led off, "I sold lemonade and I made £30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was how warm the day was and would they like some refreshment." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "£2,467" he said. "£2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Mouthwash," said Little Johnny. "Mouthwash?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough of that to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said, "This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied ...... "It is. Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
A little girl asked her Dad, "How did the human race appear?" The Dad answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and mom said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''