Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today, I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat" I just say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance." The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.
A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked. "It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married." "Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?" "Scratch," she replied. "Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?" "No silly," she replied brightly ... "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"
In my town there is a post office. In the porch area are the boxes. Because of covid I tend to avoid being next to others. One day I opened the door to enter and encountered a black guy on his way out. He was a complete stranger to me. I politely stood back to allow him to pass. He politely stood back and said, "Come on in." I said, "Either you come out of there, or I'm coming in and drag you out." I would not have said it if I was wearing a mask hiding my smile because he was big enough to beat the living daylights out of me.
The Spell Checker Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
Whoo Wooo the lady across the road has said she would make me a Steak&Kidney pie and a promise of afters,,Awww shes just rang to say she can,t make it her hubbys coming home early, I feel like a Bob Marley song No women no pie,,,
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,"Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.
Jane Fonda had an abscess tooth removed. Afterwards she noticed that her heart was beating faster so she went to her cardiologist. After he checked her out he told her that there was nothing to worry about. Abscess makes the heart grow Fonda!
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied!!..
How to get to Heaven from Ireland - A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.' It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
A buxom lady sitting next to me on the train was reading an article about life and death statistics. she turned to me and said, "Did you know that every time I breath somebody dies?".......... "Really?" ,I said, "Have you tried mouthwash?!!"