A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place: Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?" Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track." Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?" Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track." Supervisor: "And what if that switch lever didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains." Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone." Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe." Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?" Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
How Sh|t Happens In the Beginning was The Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular." And the President looked upon The Plan, And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy. And this is how s**t Happens.
Rejection Letter Reject Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling up? Well here's a suggestion: - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Date Today] Dear Mr. Kennelly: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [LOL]
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant." Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants." Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor." Employer: "More than we can use already." Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications." Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
A little boy went up to his father and askedad, where did all of my intelligence come from? The father replied, Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine. I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
WORDS WOMEN USE FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now den, don't forget all de research we've done on dis Russian. He's never lost a match because of dis 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in dat hold! If he does, you're finished.' Paddy nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Paddy collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of dat hold? No one has ever done dat before!' Paddy answered 'Well now, I was ready to give up when he got me in dat hold but at de last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so wit my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'So dat's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong yer get when yer bite yer own Knackers.
A group of 40 year-old buddies were discussing where they should go for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers Restaurant because the waitresses there are young, shapely, and beautiful. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they have never been there before.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice set up,' the firefighter said with admiration.. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Well,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your Fire Engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London . He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near. 'Yes, Father?' said the nurse. 'I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die', whispered the priest. 'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to number 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest. As they drove to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected.' Darling agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Gordon Brown spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?' The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. 'Amen', said Brown. 'Amen', said Darling. The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...'
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras. If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China. You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application. If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair. You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you s**t Happens. You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine. You're so ugly, you could model for death threats. You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator. You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror. You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone. You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you. You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet. You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents. You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.