One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked robber. Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back. With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about in full view of passers-by, kicking and screaming with rage. Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the robber and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the robber wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single pound coin. “Why did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the robber, gasping for breath. “You can't have it!” shouted the man. “You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered robber. "Oh, you just want the pound... I thought you were after the £5000 I've got in my shoe."
God created man,stepped back and said "Perfect." He then created woman,stepped back,had a long look and said "Faark me! this`ll have to wear make up!"
Pastor Zest was completing a rather lively temperance sermon. With red face and with great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take the whole lot and pour it into the river." Trembling and with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river also." And then, finally, increasing his voice whilst shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, perspiring but pleased with himself, he sat down while wiping his sweating forehead with his large white handkerchief. The song leader slowly stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, very nearly laughing he said, For our closing song, ... Let us all sing Hymn #365. "Shall We Gather at the River."
A pair of Australian social media influencers have been branded “disgusting” after they filmed F1 driver George Russell at a urinal at the Australian Grand Prix and uploaded the video to TikTok and Instagram.............................Russell retired on the penultimate lap of the Grand Prix. He was probably bursting for a piss.
Johnny is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" Johnny staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A dizzy blonde is soaking in the bath, her feet gently stroking the hot and cold taps. Suddenly, she realises she's got her big toe stuck in the end of one of the taps and calls for her husband's assistance "You silly girl," he says. "I'll have to call the plumber. Here, cover your fanny with this." And he hands her an old jockey's cap from the hatbox. An hour later, the plumber arrives, looks the blonde up and down, weighing up the situation and says; "Well I can get your toe out, but there's fcuk all I can do for Willie Carson.
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
I saw a woman about to park outside my house and I said, " You can`t park there, love". She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there". I said, "You can't park there either" She said, "Why the fook not?" I said, "Because you're a woman".
Cake for Grandpa At first: Sorry for my horrible English Grandpa is lying on his bed, tired and rigid, when he notices the smell of fresh baked cheesecake. He calls his grandson and asks him to get him a piece of this cake out of the kitchen. "Will do", the boy replied, went to his mother and returned instantly. "Where's my cake?", Grandpa asked. "No way", the boy replied, "Mother says the cake is to be eaten after the funeral"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"