A Wife's Eulogy At Her Husband's Funeral... "Norman needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was. They urgently needed to know, to save Norman's life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive, be positive!" That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A
A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150
So I am at grocery store scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened. Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries? Me - excuse me? Her - you are wasting our bags! Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself. Her - that's not my job! Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you. Her - why are you using two bags?! Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out. Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag. *10 seconds of me just staring at her. Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag. Her - exactly. Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items. Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging. *me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching. Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items. Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags. *me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show. Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about? Her- never mind you just don't get it. And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.
My grandchild’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
3 sisters age 92,94 and 96 live in a house together. one night the 96 yr old draws a bath. she puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94yr old yells back " I don't know I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92yr old sitting in the kitchen listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says" I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells " I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
I've had my census form sent back to me. In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependants?", I put "Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, all the people who go on Jeremy Kyle and half of Eastern Europe. Apparently this wasn’t an acceptable answer.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all spies and are caught behind enemy lines. They are tried and sentenced to death by firing squad. The Scotsman and the Irishman look out from the window of their cell as the Englishman is led out and tied to the pole. As the firing squad is about to shoot, the Englishman yells out: "Tornado! Tornado!" The firing squad panic and run off to wait the tornado out. Meanwhile the Englishman manages to escape. Later, the Irishman looks out from the window of the cell as the Scotsman is led out and tied to the pole. Seeing what the Englishman did, the Scotsman devises his own plan. As the firing squad is about to shoot, the Scotsman yells out: "Earthquake! Earthquake!" And again all of the firing squad scatter to wait it out. Meanwhile the Scotsman escapes. Finally, the Irishman is led out and tied to the pole. The Irishman, being the genius he is, devises his own plan. As the firing squad is about to shoot, he yells out: "Fire! Fire!"
A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $34k a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the f'in engine running!..
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. "Fishin' ",replied the old man. "Poor old fool" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?" "You're the eighth", he replied!
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your child to work day." As they walked around the office, she started crying and being crabby & cranky. Her father asked, "What's wrong, honey? I thought you wanted to come to work with me today?" As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?”
I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often. She then took him for car rides twice a day. I worry those genes are in me somewhere.
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'