A young girl was practicing the piano when suddenly there was loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and here was a Police Officer. "What's the matter?" she asked. "Where's the body?" demanded the officer. "What are you talking about?" she asked. The officer replied: "We just got a tip from a concerned neighbour, that some guy named Mozart is being butchered to pieces in this house."
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your boobs!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
A patient is brought in because they randomly lost consciousness. A doctor diagnoses the patient instantly and tells his lackeys to administer a drug, before going to the medical center downstairs to mock some walk-ins for their ethnicities, diets and/or sexual habits. Patient nearly dies because of some unknown factor that they're hiding from the doctor. Doctor then has an insane theory, and to try to prove it, orders his lackeys to break into the patient's home. The lackeys find nothing and the patient's condition is rapidly deteriorating, so the doctor finally orders scans that should have been done when the patient was brought in. The scans come back clear, when the doctor has a lightbulb moment on how to fix the patient when he's taking a s**t or something, so he hounds the dying patient until they admit what they're hiding. Doctor then goes to his lackeys and tells them to administer a new drug, which they refuse to because he's insane, so he repeats his demand along with a threat to do something horrible if they don't comply. Despite this they still refuse, so the doctor sneaks in on the patient and administers the new drug. Doctor gets found out, and the spouse or parent of the patient starts belting him for playing with their loved one's life, the assault only stopping when the patient magically recovers in 5 minutes flat. Medi-babble that a viewer who's ever had a sick relative would be able to poke holes in is then used to prove that the doctor's original instant diagnosis was correct all along, and he wallows in how much smarter he is than everyone else. Doctor then engages in witty banter with his best buddy, says something about the breasts of every woman present, reminds his chief lackey that he's black, and actions the aforementioned threat on a nearby doctor of Australian or Jewish extraction. The final scene is the doctor playing piano while popping opioids like tic-tacs. Congratulations, you've now seen every episode of House M.D.
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said , "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to." There are a few lessons for us all here: Never be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always, always make sure you know who has the power. Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds. "Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!" But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot. The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question. "Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?" "Of course," said the abbot: "Provided there are no attachments."
A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"
Famous people on beer... "Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think it is better to drink this beer & let dreams come true, than be selfish & worry about my liver.” Babe Ruth "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Paul Horning "24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!” H. L. Mencken "When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.” George Bernard Shaw "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” Dave Barry “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.” W. C. Fields And my favorite: One night at Cheers (the TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya-see, Normy, it's like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”
Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office. “Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?” “If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
A soft mint and an extra strong mint are sitting in a pub. The strong mint is giving it some, trying to make out he's pretty tough. "Alright then," says the soft mint, "if you're so tough, you've got to take on the next sweet through the door." "Done," says the strong mint, feeling pretty self assured. Sure enough the door opens and in walks a humbug. The strong mint jumps up, runs over and nuts him. All that's left is a pile of crumbly humbug pieces. "Not bad," concedes the soft mint, "but they aren't too hard those humbugs. Try the next one." Before he can finish the door opens and in walks a Malteser. The strong mint nuts him, crumbling the Malteser. "Alright I'll admit you're tough if you can do three out of three; I can't argue with those figures," says the soft mint. So the door opens and in walks a Tune. The strong mint jumps up and runs into the toilet. The soft mint follows him and finds him leaning over the basin, shaking. "What's up?" he says. "I thought you were the toughest sweet around." "Yeh," says the strong mint." But I ain't touching him, he's just menthol."
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred. "What in bag?" asked the old man. Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
"Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night." So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.. A bartender cured me for $20.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck." "Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed Ain't nobody under there now." It's always better to get a second opinion.