A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.' Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the guys are all tired out. Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' Brittney - I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it. Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' Fergie - My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird. Alice - My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her. Brad - Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of beer.
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife: Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet. Inspector :- What is her height ? Husband:- I never checked. Inspector :- Slim or healthy ?. Husband:- Not slim can be healthy. Inspector :-Color of eyes ? Husband :-Never noticed. Inspector :-Color of hair ? Husband :- Changes according to season. Inspector :- What was she wearing? Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit. Inspector :- Was she driving? Husband :- yes. Inspector :- tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . . Husband :- black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying... Inspector :- Don't worry sir, we'll find your car...
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind tellin...g him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office? Yes, what can I do for you? I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ... He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiddin' it there. Thank you very much for the call, sir. The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's home. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .. did the Sheriff come? Yeah! Did they chop your firewood? Yep! Happy Birthday, buddy!
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Frank had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and have to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Frank even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that..........Frank was too tired.'
Dear Mum & Dad, I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow. This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is. Your loving daughter, Siobhàn.
Be Wary Of … A thief enters a house at night, intending on robbing the place. In the dark, he starts hearing: "Jesus is watching you... Jesus is watching you..." Panicked, he looks around for the source of the whisper. He finds a parrot in a cage, with the name "Moses" pinned on it. Relieved, he says: "Who's the idiot who named a parrot Moses?" The parrot answers: "The same idiot that named the pitbull Jesus".
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by a deputy sheriff. The deputy asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!” The deputy asks, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband again and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the deputy her license. The deputy says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!” The woman turned to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He said he knows you!”
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'
A woman was angry. Her husband was coming home late again, so she left a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid underneath the bed to watch his reaction. Soon the husband came home. She heard him in the kitchen before he came to the bedroom. She saw him walk up to the dresser and pick up the note. He stopped for a minute. Grabbed a pen, wrote something down on the note. He picked up the phone and called someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah, I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabbed his keys, and walked out the door. She heard the car drive off as she held back tears and came out from underneath the bed. She seethed with rage and grabbed the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”