At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence... Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.” “Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.” “Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?” “Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting her house. She was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is she using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”
My 84 year old brother gave up driving and depends on me to use his car chauffeuring him around. The other day I took him to the hospital. In the waiting room he expressed his concern about a broken and missing piece of plastic from his front bumper. In an effort to cheer him up, I said (loud enough for other patients to hear) "What odds, it's only about as useful as your foreskin."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'
Me and the missus decided to go out for a meal last night. We arrived early at the restaurant; the manager asked: "Would you mind waiting for a bit?" "Sure, no problem" I replied. "Thanks" he said: "Can you take these pizzas to table six, please?"
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" And we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for that one guy.
Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whiskey, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whiskey, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. ‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’
The teacher said.. Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Oh s**t, we are screwed."* Little Akio said quietly, *"All Americans, 2020, "when the government quarantined the healthy and shut down America over a measily virus."
A footballer when asked "which do you prefer, artificial turf or grass" Replied "I dunno, never smoked artificial turf".
Pondering Age Old Questions I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan."
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I said, "On the bus."