A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As she retrieves the second loaf One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, She yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little
A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes. A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything. About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad." The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside. Sprayed with feces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?" The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that said 'free sex with every fill up'. Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. “Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?” The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.” “Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.” “WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.” “What about your third husband?” “That one was a politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.”
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but.... all men... are men..!
Dorothy & Edna, two senior widows are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, but I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.. He shows up at my house punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers ! Then he takes me downstairs & theres a limousine. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, & after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment & he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress & has his way with me ! Dorothy: "Goodness gracious ! So you are telling me I shouldn't go ?" Edna: "No, I'm telling you to wear an old dress."
I seen Vincent Van Gogh in the pub last night,,I said would you like a drink Vincent He said no thanks Ive got one ear,,,
The backwoods hillbilly girl walked into the drugstore to buy tampons for the first time, after looking at shelf upon shelf of feminine hygiene products she timidly approached the pharmacist with her dilemma, I'm confused by all these different brands an sizes, she confessed, I don't know which ones to buy. 'I see, said the pharmacist, tell me, what's your flow like? Puzzled the girl replied,' it's linoleum, why?
My wife just said "There was someone knocking on the door, with a beard!" I said, "no wonder I couldn't hear him!"
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.” “Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.” “Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh for fook sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
I told the doctor i was deaf in one ear,He said which ear is it? I said 2024,, After that i got a state of the art hearing aid, I said to my sister see this hearing aid ive got in, its built by Russian space engineers and it cost £5000,She said Wow what kind is it ? I said quater past four,,,
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says... "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"