A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men should remember fairies are female....
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus. A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh s**t, I'm on the wrong bus!
This is a true story from Irish television from when I was a lad. There were still a lot of horses being used for transport... A young lad showed up late for school one day and the teacher asked why. The lad explained that a hole had been dug in the road for some waterworks maintenance and a horse had fallen in and hurt itself badly amongst other injuries it had a broken leg, the police were called and they had to shoot the horse. The teacher, engrossed in the story, without thinking asked, 'Did they shoot the horse in the the hole? To which the lad replied, 'No, they shot it in the head!' Made me laugh for days after I'd seen it...
In the early 1970's I was a young man and would frequent a particular barber shop. It was run by a female. Each time I went there she would cover me with a white sheet and adjust the height of the chair so that my hands (while resting on the arms of the chair) were the height of her crotch. I assume it she did it for the tips. My wife never did understand why I had a hair cut ever week.
My youngest son, Mick, asked me, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I replied, "When I was 18, I walked in to a pub and spotted the most beautiful, gorgeous blonde that I had ever seen, and Cupid shot his arrow the moment I saw her!" "So what happened then?" asked Mick. I said, "Nothing much- the arrow missed and hit your Mother....!"
Today, I was offered "a good time" by a smoking hot, 21 year old brunette. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course, I said "no" as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super efficient bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie. The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
Two Friends Meet In Heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —we’d both still be alive.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him, he fell off the window ledge while he was licking his arse”
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.” “I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.” His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?” “Oh, I did,” said the other: “But when I called, you’d gone fishing.”