A distraught widow receives the terrible news that her husband met his maker by diving into a vat of Guinness at a beer factory. As tears fill her eyes, she wonders if he passed away quickly. The gentleman delivering the news assures her that he did not suffer long – but he did climb out of the vat three times to use the bathroom!
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray. Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear s**t and Grizzy Bear sh*t. Black Bear sh*t is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it. Grizzly Bear sh*t has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!!..
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his customer about the price of his services. “I tell you O'Rourke, you Dublin barbers have a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in New York just last month, and you charge me double what they charge there.” “That may be true, Sir,” said the barber, “but think of the airfare.”
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.." The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like mechanics... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. "
The Scots keep the Sabbath and everything else they can lay their hands on. The Welsh pray on their knees on Sunday, and prey on everyone else the other days of the week. The Irish don’t know what they want and will fight anyone for it.
A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute. When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.” The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying: "Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that: 1. The apartment had not been used before. 2. It had adequate heating. 3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it. Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!" Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter. A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following: "Dear Sir, 1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before. 2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on. 3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it. You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady
I feel so lost without you, and miss you so much. You give me feelings nobody else can and memories I'll never forget. You are my world I think about you everyday of my life. Hurry the fook up the new football season!
The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub... The first was from Mexico. He walks in, approaches the bar and says, "Hola bartender, I would like to have the finest beer in the world. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor." The second was from Holland. "Bartender, give me the finest beer in the world, a Heineken." The third was the head of Guinness brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. He takes a look around and then orders, "Bartender, I'll have a Coke please." The other two give a puzzled look and finally ask, "Why a Coke?" The brewmaster from Guinness answers, "Well, I figured if you lads weren't drinking beer yet I could hold off for a wee bit."
An American was driving in rural Ireland when he spotted a farmer digging in his field with a spade. He stopped and asked the farmer about the size of his farm. "Well Sir" replied the farmer "It borders this road and you see that tall tree five fields over, well that's one boundary. And you see the cows in the field about four fields away over there, well that's another boundary and the river bounds it in the other direction." "Gee" said the American "Back in Texas I can get into my car at dawn, drive all day and at sunset I'm still driving on my own farm". "Begorrah Sir" replied the farmer, "I used to have an owld car like that myself one time"
A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that exciting food?" she asked. He replied, "yes, what a wonderful smell" Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshireman', he thought: "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So, they walked past the restaurant again.