One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says, "Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?" The blonde replies, "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex." The man responds, "Huh, that's interesting. Why did you name them such names?" The blonde sighs and shakes her head: "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked: "To draw out all his savings?" (River bank)
My five year old grandson said he wanted a tree house in the back garden. Twenty years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore.
An Irishman backpacker went into an Australian post office to see if there were any letters for him. “I'll see, sir,” said the clerk. “What’s your name?” “You're having me on now because I'm Irish,” said the Irishman. “Won't you see the name on the envelope?”
An elderly man got onto a packed city bus. No one offered him a seat so he had to stand in the aisle leaning on his stick. When the bus stopped at the next stop, his stick slipped and he fell the ground. A little boy sitting near him said "Hey Mister if you had one of those rubber things on the end of your cane that wouldn't have happened" The old man getting up replied "Yeah well if your Daddy would have taken that advice Id have a f'in seat"
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So, you would love her." "But God, "the man says: "Why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So, she would love you"
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling Kathleen,” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk.” But he was insistent. “Kathleen,” he said in his tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.” “There's nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kathleen. “It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now.” “No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.” Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. “Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it,” she said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O'Sullivan, fencing.”
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister.” The son is astounded. “But, Dad!” he protests, “You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.” The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!” “But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!” The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.” T he son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I'm afraid you're too late, Father,” he says. “He's a Protestant now.” Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?” “Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*.”