HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE A SENIOR AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR HUSBAND? I`M A PHARMACIST AND HE CAME IN TO BUY SOME CONDOMS, HE ASKED FOR XXXXL. IT WAS ONLY AFTER WE GOT MARRIED THAT I REALISED HE HAD A STUTTER!!!!
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately phoned her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mam,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mam, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home … PLEASE MAM!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mam,” “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!” “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, she said, “Oh, mam…words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook….”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
A new building went up on a suburban link road. It was a cluster of three shops with identical fronts. A Greek greengrocer bought the first, telling the developer he would set up a nice fresh produce store. He chose the shop on the left so as to get the morning business. It would have a sign over the door that read, ‘Con’s Fruit and Veges.’ A Chinese market gardener bought the one on the right. He told the developer he, too, would establish a fresh produce shop and expected to get the home-bound afternoon traffic. His sign over the door would read, ‘Freshest Produce.’ Old mate John bought the shop in the middle and said his intention was to have a fresh produce shop. The developer was a bit surprised and asked what signage he’d have above the door. John answered, ‘Main Entrance’.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
On a C130 Hercules, aircraft mission to Kandahar, Afghanistan, an Intel officer asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the aircraft Captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the co-pilot and asked, "Well Flight Lieutenant, what is your job?" He replied, "Ma'am, I am the aircraft Captains sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The aircraft Captain has told me that when he wants my f**king advice, he'll ask for it."
During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave: A woman A donkey A shovel A fish A Star of David The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings. The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying: "We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "