Women employee to Company Boss. "I want to report a fellow employee of sexual assault". "What did he do?" "He said my hair smelled nice". "How does that constitute sexual assault?" "He's a Midget".
Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." replied the salesman. Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Bill then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Bill was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Bill's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a- half?" Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can't carry 33 items in my arms through the store.
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made" What do they want? A fookin medal?
A man walks into his local butchers and ask for a pound of what's what. The butcher, puzzled by this request, informs the man that they don"t sell what's what. So the man leaves, only to come back the next day and ask for the same. The butcher, in a light hearted, mood thinks the man is pulling his leg, so he chuckles lightly and informs the man that they do not sell what's what and sends the man on his way once again.The next day the man returns, more determined than ever, and asks for a pound of what's what. The butcher is infuriated. "Stop wasting my time and your own - I've told you before we don't sell what's what, nor have we ever heard of it!" bellows the Butcher. "What"s that then?" the man says quickly, pointing at a random selection of meat. "What's what?" the butcher replies.The man answers, "Well, I'll have a pound of that then."
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she has slept with. She said, "Six. What about you?" I said, "None, I'm straight."
Went to look at a lovely little church in the countryside today. Bumped into the Vicar. "Lovely church you have here Vicar" I said. "It's Norman" said the Vicar. " oh, Lovely church you have here Norman"
When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale & developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to 8 loosely connected underwear molecules & has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - & we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
Teacher asks kids about their Dad's jobs. Mary says "my Dad is a lawyer, he puts bad people in prison". Jack says "my Dad is a doctor, he makes sick people better". Johnny says "my Dad is dead" Teacher asks "well what did he do before he died?" Johnny replies "He turned blue and crapped on the carpet!"
Henry and Martha are celebrating 50 years of marriage. He takes her hand, thanks her for their years together but asks if she's ever been unfaithful. She pauses and answers, yes, three times, but always for a good reason. "What could those reasons be," he asked with pain in his voice? She replied "well, the first time remember when we couldn't pay the mortgage and we were going to lose our first house? I went to the banker and the next day we got a loan extension?" Yes, he said, "I remember and that's a good reason. I forgive you. And the second?" She answered "Remember when your heart gave out, and we had no money but the doctor performed the surgery for free?" Yes, he said, "I remember and that's a good reason. I forgive you. And the third? "Well," she nodded. "Remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
A magician was working on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "He had the flowers hidden inside his jacket". "All 52 cards the Queen of Diamonds?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship hit a reef and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of driftwood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word for days on end. After about a week the parrot said: "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
A priest offered a Nun a lift She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
An Irishman, upon hearing about the Guinness World Record, becomes utterly confused. “Why would they make a book about drinking Guinness?” he wonders aloud. Little does he know that the world-famous record book and the beloved Irish stout share more than just a name – they both have the power to bring people together in the pursuit of greatness (and great craic).