An Irishman, upon hearing about the Guinness World Record, becomes utterly confused. “Why would they make a book about drinking Guinness?” he wonders aloud. Little does he know that the world-famous record book and the beloved Irish stout share more than just a name – they both have the power to bring people together in the pursuit of greatness (and great craic).
Went to a dance bar with the wife last week,there was this fella on the floor doin break dancin,moon walks, back flips with a great big smile on his face.My wife said 29 years ago he asked me to marry him and i turned him down, I said,,,,It looks like he,s still Celebrating,,,,
Murphy was working at a building site, is given an impossible task by the foreman – to cut down a giant redwood tree. When asked where he learned to chop down trees, Murphy boasts that he learned in the Sahara Forest. The foreman, incredulous, corrects him, “You mean the Sahara Desert?” Murphy smirks and replies, “Well, it is now!”
When O’Callaghan is insulted by a fellow patron at the pub, he doesn’t miss a beat before delivering a witty response: “Well, if I had your brains, I’d be twice as stupid!” With a sharp tongue like that, O’Callaghan is sure to leave his opponent speechless and the entire pub roaring with laughter.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £1,000 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £2,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £4,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £4,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
When Murphy’s wife tells him to start packing for their vacation, he takes her instructions a bit too literally. Instead of filling their suitcases with clothes and toiletries, he begins stuffing them with pints of Guinness! While his wife may not be amused, we can’t help but appreciate Murphy’s dedication to his favorite beverage.
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little s**t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little s**t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A curious child encounters a leprechaun and asks him to pose a riddle. The leprechaun agrees, and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he asks, “What has two legs, can fly, and is green all over?” The child ponders the question, then suddenly exclaims, “A leprechaun riding a green falcon!” The leprechaun laughs, admitting that he’s never encountered such a clever child before.
An 18th-century tramp in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside inn with a sign, reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she yelled. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she hollered. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The tramp said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales," she said. He replied, "No kidding; so am I." "What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell sanitary napkins." He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the Olympics Games, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" Penelope replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about..." Thanks, Pete.
A Rancher died and left everything to his wife She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
A bartender at a busy pub accidentally serves a customer a pint of beer that’s only half full. Realizing his mistake, he rushes over to apologize and make amends. But the customer simply laughs, remarking, “Ah, don’t worry about it, mate. I’ll just drink it twice as fast!” With that, the customer raises his glass and toasts the bartender for a job half well done.
Four nuns are standing in line for confession The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man's private parts. The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?" The nun replies, "My right hand." The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven. The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man's private parts." The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?" The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven. Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?" The third nun says, "Sure, I don't care, but would mind telling me why?" The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would prefer to gargle that holy water before you have to sit in it!"