A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
A farmer, busy with his daily chores, accidentally fills his tractor’s fuel tank with water instead of diesel. As the tractor sputters and stalls, the farmer scratches his head, wondering what could have gone wrong. It’s only when his wife points out his mistake that he realizes his folly. “Well,” he chuckles, “at least the tractor’s engine will be nice and clean!”
Two babies are laying in the nursery One says: -I'm a boy. The other one asks: -How do you know? 1st one replies: -When the nurse leaves I will show you. The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says: -See, I have blue socks on.
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her “on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. “You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!” She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!” Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!” Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?” “Well, here it comes!”
A More Than Four-Hour Erection You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours. I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: * 1/3 ownership in the store, * a company pickup truck, * a king size bed and * $3,000 a month in living expenses
Breaking News"""" The lost Antibi tribe The lost Antibi tribe,lost from the Amazon jungle for over 70 years have been found, They where living on top of a chippy in Bradford,
The Salesman... This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of s**t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation. It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you. THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk s**t .... than to drink water and be full of it!!..
At a mental hospital : Doctor: - What is this? Patient: - This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages. Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write? Patient :- On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'. And on the last page i wrote 'The king reached the jungle'. Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages? Patient:- I wrote; Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Doctor :- (stunned) And what's that? Patient :- That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging the terrain. Doctor:- And who will read your story? Patient :- I will put it on a forum plenty of people will definitely read it..... One of them is reading it as we speak.
Mick and Paddy are lifting a few pints at the pub when a woman at a nearby table drops her sandwich onto her plate and begins to cough violently. After a few seconds, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Paddy asks, “Can you swallow?” The woman shakes her head no, as she begins to turn blue. Paddy then asks, “Can you breathe?” The woman shakes her head no. Paddy walks behind the woman and stands her up, lifts her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Paddy walks back to his table. Mick says, “You know, I'd heard of that 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen anyone do it."
Ron and Ed are out and about. Ron notices that Ed is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally asks what's wrong. "Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS. ""Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH." "SRH? What's that? ""Sperm Retention Headache."
Bloke walks into a sex shop and asks how much the blow up dolls are. The shop assistant says there are 3 models at 50 quid and 100 quid and 200 quid each. "Ok I will take the 50 quid one" says the bloke. Goes home inflates it and just as he was going to use it the thing punctured on him. He Takes it back to shop to complain and says " Oi mate just handed over 50 quid for this and it went down on me". Shop assistant replies ... "Ahh that will be another 50 quid then sir."
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex: "Tarzan not know sex!" He replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!" Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!" She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
LETTER FROM THE SCOUT GROUP: Dear Mom, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.