A Dublin businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into his Galway hotel and because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk, and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told Paddy, the clerk, "My name is Seamus O ‘Flynn, can you please tell me what room I am in?" "Certainly," replied Paddy. "You're in the lobby."
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to London. After the plane took off, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey, which he was immediately served. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology. "The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors. "This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives. But is was still not good! So they tried:"Minds and Behinds""Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends. "APPROVED
There was this guy at work who was disgruntled by the fact that his boss would always go off to lunch on Fridays and not come back to the office. So, he says to his colleagues: "Right, next Friday I'm not coming back to work after lunch either!" The following Friday, he waits till the boss leaves and true to his word he goes straight home. When he arrives home, he goes upstairs to the bedroom and sees he’s boss making love to his wife. He silently leaves his house and drives back to work. His work colleague asks, “I thought you weren’t coming back?” The guy responds: “I wasn’t but I almost got caught by the boss.”
A man boarded the first-class section of a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Murphy diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible evil curse that goes with it." The man inquired, “What is the curse?” "That would be Mr. Murphy."
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you..?" "For twenty years I've wanted to stick my manhood in the pickle slicer, " he explained, "and today I finally did it..!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. Shocked, she said with a sigh of relief "You look okay, you're all there" . "So what happened to the pickle slicer..?" "Well, " he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."
A married couple walk up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws a penny in. His wife decides to make a wish too, but she leans over to far and falls into the well and drowns. The guy says, " f**k me, it really works.
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife: "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." So, his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." Her friend said, "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife: "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Barrister Kavanagh told his client, “Mr. Flynn, you have the best case I have ever heard! You will make millions on this case.” "Right," said Flynn, grabbing up his coat and heading out the door. "Where are you going?" asked Kavanagh. "I'm going to settle this injury out of court," replied Flynn. "Didn’t you hear me? I told you it is the best case I have ever heard?" "Maybe," said Flynn, "but not for me, I told you the other fellow's case."
Wishes Down Under A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?" "Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?" "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!" As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."