A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Mrs. Sullivan was having a spot of tea with her friend Molly and said, “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you... Sit up straight... Use your napkin... Close your mouth when you chew... Don’t lean back in your chair....’ Just when I finally got Paddy mostly squared away, the kids came along.”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh… Killing any yet?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He responded: "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
Declan asked Paddy for the hand of his daughter in marriage. “And can you support a family?” asked Paddy. “To be sure, I can,” replied Declan. “Well,” said the future father-in-law, “There are six of us, you know.”
Murphy lost his eye in an accident. He couldn’t afford a glass eye, so he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Finally, Paddy came over and forced him to go out. “There’s a dance over at the club. So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?” “All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of me wooden eye I’m leaving.” He went to the dance and had a few pints, trying to build up his courage. Then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. Murphy thought, “She’s worse off than me. I’ll ask her to dance and hopefully she will not notice me wooden eye.” He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. “Would you care to dance?” “Would I?!” she exclaimed. “That does it,” he shouted back at her, “Hunchback! Hunchback!”
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 + 2?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can prove an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2 + 2?" Logician: "Please define 2 + 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully then asks: "What do you want the answer to be?"
Paddy was driving in a dangerous manner, swerving across several lanes on the motorway. This was notice by Officer O’Malley, who after completing a vehicle stop, approached the car, and said, “What in heaven’s name are you doing?” Paddy replied, “This is my first time behind the wheel. I’m learning to drive.” “Saints preserve us! Without an instructor in the car?” Officer O’Malley exclaimed. “There’s nothing to worry about officer,” Paddy replied as presented the phone in his hand, “it’s an online course.”
Walmart greeter Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear". "Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder". Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"? --
Mick and Sean were lifting a pint at Finnegan’s Pub. Mick said, “I haven’t run into your Uncle Paddy in a while. Whatever happened to him?” Sean replied, “Dear Uncle Paddy was busy trying to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and a motor from a Ford." “What did he get?" asked Mick. “Four years.”
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day. One day, Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school, college and beyond. Please do me one favor. When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.” Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for all these many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Bertha passed on. A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.” “Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Betty, it’s me Bertha,” the voice replied. “You’re not Bertha,’ Betty said, ‘Bertha just died!” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice. “Bertha, where are you,” asked Betty. “In heaven,” replied Bertha, “and I have some really good news for you and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” said Betty. “The good news,’ Bertha said, ‘is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,’ said Betty. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?” Bertha said, “You’re pitching on Tuesday.”
THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take Care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
An old man is having breakfast at a roadside cafe when three bikers walk in. The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's breakfast. The second biker spits out his cigarette in the old man's coffee. The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table. The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress and exits the building. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers. "Not much of a driver either," says the waitress: "That man has just driven his 18-wheeler over three bikes."