10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
SENIORS TEXTING CODES ATD....At The Doctors. BFF....Best Friend Fell. BTW....Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth. FWIW...Forgot Where I Was. GGPBL..Got ta Go Pacemaker Battery Low. GHA....Got Heartburn Again. IMHO...Is My Hearing-Aid On. LMDO...Laughing My Dentures Out. OMMR...On My Massage Recliner. OMSG ..Oh My! Sorry, Gas. TTYL...Talk To You Loud. ROFLACGU..Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up. HNPTB - hope no-ones posted this before
work tools for men! Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh @#$%" Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing. Table Saw: A large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used to turn aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside. Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, or for opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and butchering your palms. Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short. Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Works particularly well on seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes. Chainsaw: A tool used to justify major remodeling of your house, garage, or shed... or the purchase of a 'new' vehicle after dropping a tree across them. Also known to expand the vocabulary of those around you after trying to get it started after leaving 'old gas' in it for several months. Breaker Bar: Used to 'skin knuckles' or pinch fingers when you PUSH instead of PULL in using it or the bolt/nut it was being used on breaks or shears off. 12 Point Socket: The IQ LEVEL of persons using it to 'break loose' stubborn bolts or nuts. Generally, VERY SUCCESSFUL at 'rounding' off the heads of such fasteners.
A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap. Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro. "What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro. "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
These jokes are for the MARRIED ones,so not for me and R29k 1. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 2.First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' 3. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
To all you men out there.....here is your revenge for all the bad "man" jokes. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus. Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Thanks to Wilbert L.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old white male, resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County Courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County Courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", said officer Taylor. "I walked up to [Davidson] and he's . . . just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're doing it with a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you would expect and then looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? Damn.... is it midnight already?" poor cinderella
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge. "What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."