Paddy visited Doc Murphy and told him that he had been feeling ill. The doctor examined him, ran some tests, then he shook his head and said, “I’m sorry to tell you Paddy, but you have Green 24.” “What’s that?” asked Paddy. “It means that your internal organs have started turning green and that you’ve got 24 hours to live.” Paddy went home and told the wife the bad news. She thought for a minute and responded, “Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight? Otherwise, you’ll never be able.” Begrudgingly, Paddy agrees, and they went to the church hall to play bingo. To his great surprise, Paddy won a line and a €10 prize and began to think this wasn’t such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, Paddy won the full house and €150. He entered the lucky draw, which was worth €500, and won that as well. Father O’Malley called him up onto the stage and said, “I don’t believe it Paddy, you have won three competitions and a total of €660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on earth!” Paddy replied, “Well, no, I’m really not the luckiest man alive, I’ve got Green 24.” Father O’Malley looked down at the piece of paper he was holding and exclaimed, “Saints preserve us; Paddy has won the raffle too!”
I think my wife's Dead Mike and Dan had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Dan. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead." "My God! That's terrible," said Dan, "but you said you only think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well, I just don't know," responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather." "Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin.
I just met a good friend of mine, hadn't seen him in years, he told me, "it was because he was living and working in Dubai, then Abu Dhabi." I said, "I'd never been to either but would like to go someday." He was telling me that there's a difference between the people of Dubai and those of Abu Dhabi I asked, "what that was." He told me: "The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do."
Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the feck you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
Two voices, one male and one female, on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go." "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first." "It's a bit cramped, let me sit down!" "Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on." Sniff, sniff, "Ah perfume, you think of everything!" "This is great...." (long sigh!) Static on the loudspeaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations."…. …. "Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... +Tourist: $5.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10..00 +Fried Explorer: $15.00 +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $10000.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of Sh*t it takes all morning."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly .The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was. The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things -your family, your partner, your health, your children -anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room, for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." Take care of the rocks first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand. The moral of this tale is, no matter how full your life is, there's always room for BEER!
A bus load of wives on a party bus crashed with no survivors. Each husband mourned and cried for a week. One husband continued crying for over five weeks. When asked why, he replied. "My wife missed the bus".
The O’Connell twins bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking their friend Paddy for a spin. As they sped past the government office buildings in Dublin, Paddy called out from the back seat, “What’s that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?” Seamus O’Connell, realizing that Paddy meant the Mercedes ornament, decided to have some fun with him. “That’s a target isn’t it, Finbar?” “Oh yes,” Finbar replied, “and a great target it is too.” “Target?” Paddy inquired, “A target for what?” “Well,” Finbar replied, “It helps to line up politicians and bureaucrats who are crossing the road in pedestrian crossings!” “Never!” spluttered Paddy in disbelief. “’Tis true,” insisted Seamus. “Wait a minute and I’ll show you.” Just then, a briefcase carrying suit started to cross the road ahead of them, so Seamus put his foot down and drove the car straight at him. At the very last second, he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the man. “See what I mean?” he grinned, turning round to look at Paddy. “Good, eh?” “No good at all,” replied Paddy. “To be sure if I hadn’t opened the back door, we wouldn’t have hit him at all!”
A COUPLE went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $2.99. “Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..” “Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her. “You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously. “YES!”… stated the waiter. “I'll take the special then,”…the wife said.. “Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked. “Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
A man is talking to a Mexican woman and notices her twin sons. He asks what their names are. She replies that the one on the left is named Ahmal, while the one on the right is named Juan. The guy says that he understands naming her son Juan because of her Mexican heritage, but he is confused by the other twin being named Ahmal. That's easy, says the woman. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!