Feeling Young... An oldie... A forty-ish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says "You look ridiculous! What on earth are you doing?" "I just had my checkup and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. "Yeah, right and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?" Your name never came up," she replied.
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City . The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her. "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
A man and women were in bed together and just getting down to the nitty and gritty, when they heard the sound of the front door being unlocked. "Quick it's my husband!" So the man jumped out of the window naked. The weather was awful, it was raining cats and dogs. Looking around he saw a group of joggers running down the road. So with a bit of quick thinking, he joined them. One of the joggers noticed him running with them and turned to him and asked: "Do you always run naked?" To which the man answered, "of course" "Do you always wear a condom, when you are jogging?" To which the man answered with a dead pan face: "Only when it is raining."
I've just been to the doctor's. I said, "Every morning I get on the computer and start downloading information about all sorts of mental illnesses and then, at night, I delete it all and start again the next morning. It's become an addiction." The doctor asked, "Do you have any history of mental illness?" I said, "No, I deleted it last night."
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.. The Grandmother replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ‘ television ‘ penicillin ‘ polio shots ‘ frozen foods ‘ contact lenses ‘ Frisbees and ‘ the pill There were no: ‘ credit cards ‘ laser beams or ‘ ball-point pens Man had not invented: ‘ pantyhose ‘ air conditioners ‘ dishwashers ‘ clothes dryers ‘ and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ‘ man hadn’t yet walked on the moon Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. …. … and then lived together.. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”. And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.” We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege… We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam…. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ‘ ”grass” was mowed, ‘ ”coke” was a cold drink, ‘ ”pot” was something your mother cooked in and ‘ ”rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby. ‘ ”Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office, ‘ ” chip” meant a piece of wood, ‘ ”hardware” was found in a hardware store and ‘ ”software” wasn’t even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am? I bet you have this old lady in mind….you are in for a shock! Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready ????? This woman would be only 70 years old. GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT…….
Me : I want to divorce my wife. Lawyer : On what grounds? Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar. Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating? Me : No, she's looking for me.
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
An Irishman walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with a Scottish man. As the two men chat, the Irishman can’t help but notice the Scotsman’s unusual accent. When the Scottish man mentions that he’s from Aberdeen, the Irishman exclaims, “Aberdeen? I’ve heard of it! That’s where they make the toilet paper!” The Scottish man, confused but amused, replies, “No, that’s Andrex!”
A bartender at a busy pub accidentally serves a customer a pint of beer that’s only half full. Realizing his mistake, he rushes over to apologize and make amends. But the customer simply laughs, remarking, “Ah, don’t worry about it, mate. I’ll just drink it twice as fast!” With that, the customer raises his glass and toasts the bartender for a job half well done.
Paddy lived alone in Mayo with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Paddy went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Paddy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?...
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....