An old lady goes to the dentist. She lays back in the chair, strips from the waist down and puts up her legs. The dentist says "Excuse me Madam, I am not a Gynaecologist". The old lady looks at him and says. "I know! I just need to get my husbands teeth back".
Lubricant Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
I was skint last week so i went into Tesco,s and pinched a leg of lamb and put it under me jacket,as i skimmed passed the tills i just got to the door when security shouted,Ay what are you doing with that leg of lamb,,I said roast potatoes,peas carrots,,
My granddad ran the London marathon this year at 81, and said, "son, if I can do this, you can do anything!" So I put him in an old peoples home and sold all his belongings
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way and what does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ...... I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap
This man had moved to the States & was dreadfully lonely. One evening on the way home from work he took a new route and passed a pub. He strolled in and felt right at home. He went to the bar and asked the keep, 'Sir, could you pour me thee rounds o' your best whiskey?' The bar keeper obliged. The man quickly downed the rounds, said his thanks, left his tip and strolled out the drawer. He did this again the following day, and the next, and the next. One day the barkeep asked the man why he always came in, ordered three shots of whiskey, quickly drank them, and then left. The man replied, 'You see, back home in Dublin my elderly father, brother and I all worked in the same shop. On the way home we would always duck into the pub and have a quick dram before going home to the missus. I miss my family and I'm drinking in honour of them.' Deeply touched the barkeep told him the drinks were on him. The man continued this routine until Spring. Then one day he came in and ordered two drinks. The barkeep was taken aback. He'd already set the glasses when he saw the man stroll into the bar. His eyes moistened. He asked the Irishman, 'Was it your dad? Has he passed?' The Irishman looking somber and grieving replied, 'Ah, no. It is just that I've been to the doctor and I must quit drinking.'
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink and looking very miserable. "Is everything okay, mate?" the bartender asks. The guy responds, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?" "No, you don't understand mate, today is the last day!"
The Scots keep the Sabbath and everything else they can lay their hands on. The Welsh pray on their knees on Sunday, and prey on everyone else the other days of the week. The Irish don’t know what they want and will fight anyone for it.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool people.
WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme... and I don't give a shi*t...