A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and, without chewing, swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?". "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron: "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great." " Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that." The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese." "I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that." In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel." "Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?" The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."
A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some of us old men can still think fast.
I walked past a farm the other day and notice my friend Denzil kissing fresh cow s**t. "Denzil, what the feck are you doing?" I asked him. "I've got dried up lips!" he replied. "Wow! Cow s**t is a cure for it?" I answered back. "No, it stops me licking them" he said.
What's the similarity between a camera and a condom? They're both used to catch those special moments!
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. Give her compliments regularly. 45. Love shopping. 46. Be honest. 47. Be very rich. 48. Not stress her out. 49. Not look at other girls. AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself. 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself. 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes. 53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes ========================================= HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Feed him. 2. f**k him. 3. Shut Up.
Due to someone dropping out...Is there anybody on here interested in a helicopter trip? It will be with me and 3 friends.....We’ll be leaving at 8.10am on Friday 8th November from cork Airport and first fly direct to Galway where we will have breakfast. Afterwards we fly to Dublin to enjoy a lunch and a Guinness or two. Later on in the afternoon we will fly down to Kilkenny for an evening dining before staying in a 4 star hotel in the centre of the city. The next morning we depart Kilkenny after breakfast and expect to be back at Cork around noon. If you are interested, please PM me - preferably someone with a helicopter.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Larry A new teacher was trying to make-use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by-yourself!' � Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on Her face. 'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?' Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to-make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....'
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine.