I went for a job on the building site. The gaffer said “Can you make tea”? I said “Yes” He said “Can you drive a forklift”? I said “How big's the fecking tea pot”!
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience." When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight." Her next announcement came 90 minutes later: "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The grandma thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
Honest Priest A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father."
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, I want you to make me a new ark". Noah replies, "No problem God, anything you want " But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God let me get this right, you want a new ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark"
Ryanair pilot Paddy Mcgee is flying into Manchester airport when the plane encounters problems. He calls to the tower: ''Easter, Shrove Tuesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas day, Fathers day, Mothers day, Halloween, Bonfire night!'' A voice comes back and says: ''For fecks sake paddy, it's MayDay!