A man got on the bus in Port Douglas with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Seven stages of married life: 1: Tri-weekly 2: Try weekly 3: Try weakly 4: Try oysters 5: Try anything 6: Try anyone 7: Try to remember
The parrot A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Doug came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Doug."
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune." "Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each, oy'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will." The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?" "Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter, but the boss is skeptical. “You don’t look strong enough to handle the big trees,” the boss says. The old man confidently replies, “I can cut down any tree with a single swing.” To prove it, he steps outside, takes his ax to a five-foot tree, and with one swing, it crashes down. Then he does the same with a ten-foot tree, a thirty-foot tree, and finally an 80-foot redwood. Each tree falls with a single strike. Amazed, the boss asks, “Where did you learn to cut like that?” The old man replies, “In the Sahara Forest.” The boss looks confused. “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” The old man nods and says, “Well, that’s what they call it now.”
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My daring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her: "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.” “That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy so he walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After trolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."