Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "That's because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya dumb eegit!"
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck” Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”
Little Billy gets taken to the zoo one weekend by his parents. As they’re wandering round they come across the elephant enclosure. As they’re watching them the bull elephant starts to get an erection. Billy sees it and tugs at his mother’s sleeve… “Mum… Mum… what’s that? “What’s what”? asks his mum. “That… thing hanging down on the elephant”. “Oh, that’s his trunk.’ says Mum. “NO” says Billy, “The OTHER end”. “Oh… You mean his tail?” “NOOOOO” says Billy, “Hanging down between his legs” His mother gets all flustered and stammers “Oh… Oh… Oh it’s nothing Billy”, so Billy turns to his dad and asks the question. “Dad, what’s that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?” His Dad looks and asks “What did your Mum say it was?” Billy answers “Oh she said it was nothing, that’s why I’m asking you…” His Dad looks fondly at his son and says “Yeeeeahhh… That’s the trouble with your mother son… She’s been spoilt”.
Pat Murphy and his two mates Mike and Fred were helping to build the Empire State Building. For about the last month they'd been complaining about always getting the same thing for their lunch. Mike and Fred said they'd asked their wives for something different now and again but nothing changed. Sitting high up on the building's framework one day they opened their lunchboxes hoping to see something different. “Bloody hell,” said Mike, “this is past a joke, bloody cheese and marmite sandwiches again, l've had it,” and he jumped off to his death. Fred opened his box and yelled,” Oh, my bloody godfather, mutton and pickles again, l've had a gutful of this,” and he jumped off. Pat gingerly opened his box and saw one sandwich with a dried up potato patty in it. He said to himself, ”Oh my God, not again, l can't eat another one of these,” and jumped off to his death. At the funerals the three widows were talking about the situation and Mike's widow said, “ l didn't think it was so serious, l was going to put something different in Mike's lunch next week.” Fred's widow said, “l didn't think Fred was in such a hurry for a change in his lunch, if l'd realized that l would have changed it the next day.” Pat's widow had a look of bewilderment on her face when she said, “l can't understand Pat, he's been making his own lunches for years.”
An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned. “Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!” “Oh, yes – what did it say?” “Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!” “Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?” “Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!” “Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses. “Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!” “Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”
I got stopped by the cops last night and the copper asked if I'd been drinking. "Don't be daft" I replied, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"
A woman with small breasts buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. The next morning, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobs size 44." There is a flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. She runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. The husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor." There's a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal- Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they aren’t twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter: "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Wife. Honey what are you looking at? Husband. Nothing. Wife. Nothing? you have been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour. Husband. I was just looking for the expiry date.