My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Two sisters from the mid-west were on a road trip across the U.S. As they were tooling across East Texas they began seeing signs for a town called Nacogdoches. This prompted some heated discussion between the sisters about how the name of the town should be pronounced. One sister was of the opinion that the g was silent and the c h e s part was pronounced like the word cheese. The other, that the gd combination resulted in a soft j sound and the c h e s part was pronounced shay. Each time they passed a new sign naming the town of Nacogdoches the discussion would begin again. Finally they arrived in the town itself. The one sister said to the other “Let’s stop in that little restaurant there and get lunch. We’ll ask a local how they pronounce their town’s name and settle this once and for all!” So the ladies park and enter the establishment. They walk up to the counter and order their lunch, and as she pays the clerk the first sister asks “Could you please say the name of this place for us? We’ve been seeing the signs and arguing about the pronunciation of it for an hour now. If you could just say the name of this place out loud, that would be ever so helpful!” The clerk looks from one lady to the other, shrugs and says, very slowly and clearly “Burrr … gerrrr … King.”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall. Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem. The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.” However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree. “Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained. The symbols say: “Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
Dedicated to all MARRIED MEN: Early morning husband woke up and ask his wife: "Would you like to join me for jogging?" Wife: "Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?" Hubby: "No. Jogging is good for health." Wife: "Oh.. that means I am sick." Hubby: "No No. If you don't want to get up, then it's OK." Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?" Hubby: "NO. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean..." Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you because I'm an illiterate, right?" Hubby: "Now look I didn't say that." Wife: "So am I lying? " Hubby: I beg you plz don't stretch it in the morning." Wife: "Oh, now so I am a quarrelsome nag, am I? HUBBY: "OK OK.. You go off to sleep. I am going jogging alone.. Happy Now??" Wife: "You always go alone everywhere and enjoy yourself." Hubby: "Plz Plz.. I am feeling giddy now.." Wife: "See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself alone. You never think of my health." Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong!
Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"
Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise. ''It's a bit quiet on deck today'' says Paddy. Murphy says ''Yeah, everyone's watching the band" ''What band?'' says Paddy. ''I'm sure I heard someone say a band on ship'' said Murphy
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom.