A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. The son responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits down the man helps a tiny man onto the table and a tiny piano which the tiny man begins to play. Another customer watches with astonishment at the performance and asks the man where he found such a talent. The man smiles at the other customer and said “There is a genie outside that will grant you anything you want”. The other customer eyes the man suspiciously, but given the tiny man in front of him playing a tiny piano he sees no reason not to take him at his word. The other customer steps outside of the pub and a few moments later there is a huge commotion. The other customer comes rushing in and is swooped on by what seems like hundreds of birds. “A million bucks I wished for… a million bucks” he exclaimed, “why didn’t you tell me the genie was hard of hearing?”. To this the man replied “did you honestly think I wished for a 9-inch pianist?”
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbour says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"
An eminent English doctor is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He asks the first patient how he feels. The patient replies: “Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm.” The Englishman is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: “Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.” Even more confused, the eminent doctor moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: “Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle.” Now seriously troubled, the eminent doctor turns to the guide and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?” “Nay,” replies the doctor, “This is the serious Burns unit.”
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
A company posted a sign outside their office: **Job Vacancy – Apply Within** *Requirements:* 1. Type at least 80 words per minute. 2. Be proficient with computers. 3. Be bilingual. Weeks passed with no applicants, until a dog strolled in, pointed to the sign, and wagged its tail eagerly. The manager, baffled, said, “I admire your enthusiasm, but you’re not qualified. You need to type 80 words per minute, and, well… paws aren’t great for typing.” Without hesitation, the dog jumped onto a stool, typed over 100 words in under a minute, and hopped back down. Stunned, the manager stammered, “Impressive, but you also need to be good with computers.” The dog grabbed a keyboard, hacked into the building’s system, and shut down every security camera with ease. Flabbergasted, the manager muttered, “Alright, but the final requirement is being bilingual.” The dog stared him down, then confidently replied, “Meow.”