That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act. Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
Teacher and her 3 boy students Teacher...Why did you laugh? Boy 1..I saw a strap of your bra. Teacher...You are punished to stay out of school for one week. Boy 2 laughed… Teacher.....Why did you laugh? Boy 2....I saw your bra straps. Teacher....You are punished to stay out of school for one month. Teacher bent down to pick up a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class… Teacher...Why are you leaving? Boy 3...I think my school days are over..........
At a bar... A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautiful, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
Last year, my friend Charlie went out drinking with a group of buddies at a local bar. As the night wore on and the drinks flowed, one by one, his friends said their goodbyes and left. Eventually, Charlie was the last one remaining, finishing up his drink as the bartender began cleaning up. When closing time came, Charlie downed the last sip, stood up, and took a step toward the door—only to immediately crash face-first onto the floor. Lying there in disbelief, he muttered to himself, *"Man, I must be way drunker than I thought. Maybe if I crawl to the door and get some fresh air, I'll feel better."* Determined, he began an army crawl across the floor toward the door. When he finally reached it, he pulled himself up using the doorframe, opened the door, and took in a big gulp of the cool night air. For a moment, he thought he was fine. *"Alright, I can do this,"* he reassured himself. But as soon as he stepped forward, down he went again—flat on his face. Frustrated, he muttered, *"Okay, crawling it is."* Charlie set his sights on home, which wasn’t too far away, and began painstakingly inching his way along the sidewalk. An hour later, drenched in sweat and exhausted, he finally made it to his front door. *"Surely I’ve sobered up a bit by now,"* he thought. Pulling himself upright, he opened the door, stepped inside… and immediately collapsed again, face-first onto the floor. Defeated, Charlie grumbled, *"Forget it. I’ll just sleep this off."* He crawled up the stairs, dragged himself into bed, and passed out in an alcohol-fueled haze. The next morning, Charlie woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon and fresh coffee. Opening his eyes, he saw his wife standing by the bed with a tray of all his favorite breakfast foods: eggs, bacon, sausage, and steaming coffee. Surprised, Charlie said, *"Wow, honey! This is amazing. All my favorites! What did I do to deserve this?"* His wife smiled sweetly and replied, *"Well, I figured you'd have a rough morning after all the drinking last night."* Confused, Charlie asked, *"I’m glad you’re not mad that I stayed out so late, but how did you know I’d be so hungover?"* Her smile widened as she said, *"Oh, the bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the bar last night."*
A politician, thief, and a programmer, all died and went straight to hell. Politician said, "I miss my country; I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked, "Well, devil how much do I owe you?" The devil says, "Five million dollars." The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair. Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I want to call my group members; I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked, "Well, devil how much do I owe you???? The devil says, "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair. The programmer was even more jealous and starts screaming, "I want to call my IT buddy" He called his IT buddy, and he talked & talked & talked & talked for twenty hours about various technologies and project, then he asked, "Well devil, how much do I owe you?" The devil says, "Twenty dollars." Programmer is stunned and says, "Why only twenty dollars?" The devil says: "Well, if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local."
On the first day of christmas my true love said to me, I've bought a big fresh turkey and a proper christmas tree. On the second day of christmas much laughter could be heard, As we tucked into our turkey, a most delicious bird. On the third day of christmas, came the people from next door, The turkey tasted just as good as it did the day before. On the fourth day of christmas, some wine and cheese we had, We were bright and happy, the turkey a little sad. On the fifth day of christmas, outside the snowflakes scurried, But we were nice and warm inside, we had the turkey curried. On the sixth day of christmas, the christmas spirit died, The children fought and bickered, so we had the turkey fried. On the seventh day of christmas, her true love he did wince. When I sat down at the table and was offered turkey mince. On the eighth day of.christmas,the dog has run for shelter, He had seen the turkey pancakes and the glass of alka seltzer. On the ninth day of christmas, I was f**king blotto, I knew the bird was back,this time as a rice risotto. On the tenth day of christmas,we were drinking home made brew, As if not bad enough, we were eating turkey stew. On the eleventh day of christmas, the tree was moulting, With chilli, soya and oyster sauce, the turkey was f**king revolting. On the twelth day of christmas, we had a smile on our lips, The guests had gone, the turkey too, and we dined on fish n chips.
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her. Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
A dude with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, cell phone in his hand and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched up to the counter and said,”Hey man you know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and gettin' somethin' for nothin'.” The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say…but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.” The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You're bulls**ttin' me!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.” …..
A priest and a nun are playing golf. The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole. “Oh God dammit, I missed.” The nun scolds the priest. “Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.” At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it. “Oh God dammit, I missed again.” Again, the nun warns him. “Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.” The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it. “Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest. Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course. And then a voice booms from above… “Oh god dammit, I missed.”
The night watchman Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?” So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid off the night watchman. NOW slowly, let it sink in. Quietly, we go on and on. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration? Anybody? Anything? Anyone? Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember! Ready?? It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate. The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. Hey, pretty efficient, huh??? AND NOW IT'S 2024 -- 47 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $242 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE! (THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?") 35 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 43% of our oil consumption is foreign imports. Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy. NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT? What can possibly go wrong? Hello!! Anybody Home? Signed.... The Night Watchman
A very drunk elderly lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, Again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.” Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your t!ts are hanging in the ashtray.”
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound It makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00. She says, It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card, he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please. The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50? He replies, Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50. She paid it and left without saying a word