Drinking all night A guy had been drinking at the bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt. Panicked, he tells the bartender that he can’t go home like that because his wife will kill him. In a stroke of genius, the bartender says, “Put a $20 in your pocket, and when she sees the puke, tell her that some drunk vomited on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning.” The guy goes home, where his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened. He replies, “A drunk guy puked on me and gave me the money for dry cleaning.” “Okay,” she responds, “Why do you have $40 in your hand?” The husband looks at her and says, “He also s**t my pants.”
A very rich man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, “That was incredible." He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” “No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?" The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"
Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out. Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another's life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …” “Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !”
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
The Three Wise Men... Revisited The Three Wise Women would have... • Asked for directions, • Arrived on time, • Helped deliver the baby, • Cleaned the stable, • Made a casserole, • Brought practical gifts, And there would be peace on Earth.
A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
Last night I was sitting on the couch, I heard my wife`s voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb" I replied "thank you I`ll have lamb dearest". She replied "You are having beef you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat".
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."