Two Rednecks Two rednecks were out fishing one afternoon. The first one turned to his friend and said, "Supposing I was to sneak over to your place tomorrow and knock up your wife while you was off hunting. Do you reckon that'd make us kin?" "I don't know `bout that," his friend replied, "but it'd sure make us even."
A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.” The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks “Do you have a motorcycle?” The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, “Do you drink?” The little old lady replies, “Yep, like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.” The biker then asks, “Do you smoke?” The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is very impressed and asks, “You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it.”
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
An accountant, a doctor and a lawyer were mourning their wealthy friend John at his graveside. Accountant: "John was such a generous man he helped me through accountants training and till now I have yet to repay. So, I now repay him with 10000 pounds cash in his grave." Doctor: "Yes, John was truly generous and helped me through Med. school. Here John, I repay you the 10000 quid in cash." Lawyer: "Yes, He was so generous. He also loaned me 10000 to get through law school. Here John is a check for 30000 quid, and I’ll take the 20000 cash as you won’t be needing it."
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?” The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed, “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That’s an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said, “Where does he practice?” The woman answered proudly: “He practices in Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”
Mick and Bernadette were both virgins when they got married. On their wedding night on honeymoon they eventually had to face what they were meant to do in the bedroom. Being both shy, they agreed to undress and put on their nightwear back to back. As Bernadette got her creased nightie out of her suitcase she said with dismay, "Oh! It is all wrinkly." Whereupon Mick exclaimed "You looked!"
Home security reminder... A lot of people are going away for Christmas, which makes their homes easy pickings for burglars. For security reasons, I strongly recommend leaving one of your children behind to construct a series of elaborate booby traps and defend your interests.
A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was because she was so upset. The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" His wife said, crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it so come and get me when you’re done shopping."
Three engineers The guy from Volvo washed his hands thoroughly and used 3 paper towels so that his hands were completely dry. "At Volvo, we take care to be thorough" he said. The second chap also washed his hands thoroughly, but only used one towel to dry his hands, using every corner, and even turning it over. "At Volkswagen, not only are we thorough, but we are also trained to be efficient" he said. The third man headed straight for the door and said: "At Rolls-Royce, we don't pee on our hands."
Grandson's Prayer Be nice - Sometimes we forget the really important things in life. Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! " The End
A small, balding man storms into a bar, his face red with frustration. He slams his hand on the counter and growls, “Give me a double of your strongest whiskey. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing the man looks like he’s been through the wringer, quietly pours him a double shot of Southern Comfort. The man downs it in one gulp and grumbles, “Another one.” As the bartender pours the second drink, he asks, “What’s got you so worked up? Sounds like you could use a good rant.” The man sighs and leans on the bar, clearly ready to unload. “You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had. I was at the bar next door, just minding my business, when this drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks in and sits next to me. I couldn’t believe it—she looked like she stepped out of a movie! After a minute, she leans over and asks if I want to go back to her hotel for dinner and a chat. “Well, I haven’t had a real meal in months, so I say yes faster than I can blink. She takes my hand, and we walk to this fancy hotel. We get to her room, and she tells me to relax while she gets ready for dinner. I sit down in this plush recliner, thinking I’m the luckiest guy alive. “But just as I’m getting comfortable, I hear keys jangling outside the door. The blonde freezes, her face goes pale, and she whispers, ‘Oh no, it’s my boyfriend! He must’ve lost his wrestling match—he’s going to be furious! Quick, hide!’ “I start to panic, looking for a place to hide. The closet? Nope, he’d check there first. Under the bed? Not a chance. Then I see the window is open, and with no other options, I climb out and hang from the windowsill by my fingertips.” The bartender raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? That’s rough.” “Oh, it gets worse,” the man continues. “The guy comes in screaming, ‘Who’s here? Where is he, you cheating liar?!’ She’s trying to calm him down, but he’s flipping out. First, he rips the closet door off the hinges and throws it across the room. I thought, ‘Thank God I didn’t pick the closet.’ “Then he flips the bed over like it weighs nothing. I’m hanging there thinking, ‘Great call not hiding under that!’ Then, just as I think he’s calming down, I hear him ask, ‘What’s that by the window?’ My heart stops. But the blonde distracts him, and I think I’m safe. “Wrong. A minute later, I hear water running. I figure maybe he’s splashing his face to cool off, but nope. Suddenly, he dumps a pitcher of boiling hot water right out the window—straight on me! Look at this!” He tugs at his shirt, showing red, blistered burns. The bartender winces. “That’s brutal, man. I’d be furious too.” “Wait, there’s more!” the man exclaims, holding up his swollen, bloody hands. “After the water, the guy comes to the window and starts slamming it down on my fingers—over and over! I thought my hands were done for.” The bartender shakes his head sympathetically. “I don’t blame you for being upset. That sounds like a nightmare.” The man slams his fist on the bar again, looking furious. “But that’s not even what made me mad!” Now thoroughly confused, the bartender asks, “Then what finally pushed you over the edge?” The man groans and says, “After all that, I finally turned around, looked down, and realized—I was only six inches off the ground!”
Five Irishman are out parachuting. They all have a bet to see who can drop the farthest without pulling the chute up. The first man jumps out......falling falling falling and pulls his chute. The second man jumps out.... falling falling fallling falling and pulls his chute. The third man jumps out...falls for ages and pulls his chute. The fourth man jumps outs.... keeps on falling and falling and falling, looks down see he is about as far as he could go and pulls his chute. Well, the fifth guy thought to himself, "I can win this easy" So, he jumps out...falling-falling-falling. Looks down at the ground and goes: "Good, I can now jump from here...."