Stimulus Package It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Hibbing, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.
“Dad, a girl invited me over to her house “ "Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." And so Billy did. And he headed over to the girl's place. After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy. "Wait" she said, "In order to continue, you have to pass a test." She then removed her shirt, proclaiming "My breasts! Pure and untouched. Only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. "My thighs. Pure and touched by no one. Only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness."Finally, she removed her panties. "And last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun. So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body? Are you capable to match my purity?" "Sure", he claims as he pulls downs his pants, "I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper"
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. Then, the priest got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.” They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again. Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.” They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven't been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.” He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more.” The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor, he yelled: “SHIIIIT!” It took him two weeks to air out the church.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk. “Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk. “Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him.”
A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It’s a slow night and he has no customers. He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, “Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?” “Certainly, Sister, what is it?” “Well, it’s not for us, you understand, it’s for Father Murphy. He’s suffering from a bad case of the constipation, and the only thing that helps the poor man out is a wee drop of whiskey.” The other nun continues, “We’d go to the shop, but gossips in this town being as they are, we thought we’d ask you for this favor instead, as we know you’re a discreet man and can keep a secret, as all bartenders do.” The bartender replies, “Certainly, Sisters, I’ll just be a moment.” He returns and hands them an unopened bottle of some fine Scotch single-malt. Later, he locks up and starts driving home, and what does he see, but the two nuns, walking down the middle of the road, weaving, and singing at the top of their lungs. He can see the bottle, and it’s all gone except for the last inch or two. He pulls over and rolls down the window. “Sisters!” he exclaims. “I thought you said that bottle was for Father Murphy’s constipation!” “Oh, but it is,” one replied. “When we get back, and he sees us in this condition, he’s going to s**t himself!”
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding… He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don't count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell “I'm the groom.”
My Daughter just returned from her Driving Test. I asked "How did you get on? Daughter, "I failed" I replied, "What did they pull you up on?" Daughter, "A rope, the car is still in the river!"
Two men left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old man ghost’s face there. The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?” The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?” The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. “There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?” “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!” They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. “Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?” The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
Judge Ferris slammed the gavel down trying to bring order in the courtroom. Staring over the rims of her glasses, the judge frowned at the elderly man, Alan T. Book. "Mr. Book, what do you have to say?" "About what, your honour?" "How you managed to conceal your crime for sixty years?" "Well judge, it's quite simple. No one suspected me. I didn't look like anyone who'd do such a thing. After all, you can't judge a Book by its cover!"
I came home tonight to find my beautiful next door neighbour had broken into my house and was laying on my bed dressed only in stockings and crotchless knickers. She said "Take me, Take me now!!!" I said "Alright as long as it`s not too far as I havent got much petrol in the car."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulation on your new location.'''