Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test. “Here is your first question,” the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.” “Without numbers?” Paddy says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says Paddy. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back. The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” Paddy stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back. The boss looks at Paddy’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “a little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100!”
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, The trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The trooper asks: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing is happening! The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 12 minutes."
Was at a Wedding and I whispered to the guy next to me. "The Bride isn't the prettiest is she". "Do you mind, that is my Daughter you're talking about." "Oh I am so sorry, I did not realise you were her Father." "I'm not, I'm her f*cking Mother!"
A Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman meet for the first time. The Welshman is asked his name and says "I was born on St Davids day so my parents called me David." The Scotsman was most surprised. "Well that is truly amazing. I was born on St Andrews day so they called me Andrew." The Irishman replied that he was truly staggered that all three in the one one room were called after the day they were born on. "So you're called Patrick then." Comented the Welshman "No," replied the Irishman, "its Pancake"
Don't worry if you've put on weight over Christmas; I can answer your questions about dieting- I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? No – your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Eat a Freddo. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Should I reduce my alcohol intake? No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain... How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc... What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Is Good... Aren’t fried foods bad for you? Food is fried in vegetable oil... How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Is chocolate bad for me? Never heard of cocoa beans? Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around... And, above all- Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – lager in one hand, bacon in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a fooking ride!".
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour’s cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" "I don't know," says the farmer: "But they sort of taste like peppermint.
A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes: She says “I want my husband to have eyes only for me. I want to be the only one in his life. I want him to sleep always by my side. I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.” The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone…
Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod. Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?” The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.” “Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?” The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.” So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out. Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?” The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.”
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and poof she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I wish to protest about the spare-part surgery operation you did on me" "What's wrong?" said the doctor "I gave you another hand when your own was smashed up at your factory" "i know" said the man "but you gave me a female hand which is good most of the time. It's just that when I go to the toilet it doesn't want to let go"
Wife in hospital The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital. "How is she?" I asked "Very critical," replied the officer "The hell is she complaining about now?"
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love of Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
A man walks into a store, walks up to the counter, and tells the clerk "I'd like to order a Polish sausage sandwich." The clerk replies "You must be Polish." The man replies "I resent that. Just because I ordered a Polish sausage sandwich, you automatically assumed that I'm Polish. What if I'm not? For example, if I ordered a toasted English muffin, would you automatically assume I'm English?" The clerk replies "No sir, I would not." "And if I came in here and ordered French toast, would you automatically assume that I'm French?" The clerk replies, "No sir, I would not." The man goes on "And if I came in here and ordered a Belgian waffle, would you automatically assume I'm from Belgium?" The clerk replies "No sir, I would not." "And if I came in here an ordered a German bratwurst, would you automatically assume that I'm German?" The clerk replies "No sir, I would not." The man continues "And if I came in here and ordered an Italian pizza, would you automatically assume I'm Italian?" The clerk replies "No sir, I would not." Finally the man asks "Then why on earth do you think I'm Polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage sandwich?" The clerk replies "Because, sir, this is a hardware store." Credit to Norm McDonald for that one.
I just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said "Do you want the PDF file?" I said "No, that’s his uncle...