uh oh A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom.. The teacher says okay and he goes the the bathroom, takes a poop but realizes there is no toilet paper. He is forced to wipe with his hand and goes back to class with his hand closed. The teacher tells him to open his hand and he responds, "No, there is a leprechaun in there and you're going to scare it away" The teacher sends him to the nurse who tells him to open his hand. He says "No, there is a leprechaun in there and you're going to scare it away" The nurse calls his mom to pick him and when she yells at him to open his hand he responds again "No, there is a leprechaun in there and you're going to scare it away" She tells him to go to see his father downstairs. His dad says " open your hand" He starts to repeat again that he has a leprechaun in his hand but the father takes his hand and opens it and sees his hand covered in poop. The kid says, "See dad, you scared the s**t out of it"
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the court says, "You b*stard." The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You b*stard." The judge says, "We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you. What is the problem?" The man at the back of the court says, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Research has shown that 2 minutes of laughing have the same health benefits as 20 minutes of running. Here I am at the park, laughing at the runners.
Jesus walks into a bar. He sees a Russian man with a glass of water. Jesus asks “My son, are you a believer?” The Russian replies “No.” With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine. “Well my son, do you believe now?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head. The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and sees the same man. “My son, are you a believer yet?” The Russian replies “No.” Jesus waves his hands and behold! The glass again is changed to wine. “Well my son, now you surely believe?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head. On the third day, Jesus enters the bar and approaches the Russian. “My son, are you a believer yet?” The Russian looks up “If i say I believe, will you just leave my vodka alone today?”
For weeks have been trying to get an appointment with my Doctor. Finally I saw him Today, dropped my pants and showed him the nasty rash on my Balls. But he ignored me and continued pushing his shopping trolley around Tesco.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said,… “I had to walk home.”
Then my wife said My wife came home and told me there was water in the carburetor. I was rather surprised to say the least, so I went out to look at it. OK, where is the car I ask, as it wasn't in the garage. Then she said, it is in the pool.