There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The rude son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be!! Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the Weather Service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he call the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what it was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that it was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?" The man said: "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
No Change "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?" The vendor replies: "Change comes from within."
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, “My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We are gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name's Chuck –“and the farmer shot him.
A South African is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The South African ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American man: "You South Africans eat the whole bread??" South African: "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to South Africa." The American has a smirk on his face. The South African just listens. The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" South African: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to South Africa." The South African then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. South African: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." South African: "We don't. South Africa, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America!!..
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden: POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF!... she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
Two Whales A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. " At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..." The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..." St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day. The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said 'Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.' The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.' 'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.' 'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian you learn to chase chicks, drink piss and listen to bull-s**t!!..
I phoned my local radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize”. “Whoohoo” I shouted with joy. “It’s a maths question” he said “feeling confident?” “I’ve got a degree in math, and teach at our local school” I proudly said. “Okay then, to win the two VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage after the show. What is 2 + 2?”. “7” I replied
Paddy decided to go over to London to look for work. He was telling his local shop keeper, Mrs. Dunn about his upcoming trip. "Could you do me a huge favour, Patrick, when you get there?" asked Mrs. Dunn with a tear in her eye. "Anything for you, Mrs. Dunn", replied Paddy. Mrs. Dunn seemed to cheer up a bit, "You see, almost 2 years it's been, my only son Neely went to London and he hasn't even written to me once since he got there!" "Could you please look him up and get him to write me a little note, just to say he is OK". "He said he was going to London, WC3". Patrick agrees. When Paddy arrives at Heathrow Airport, he sees a sign that says 'Welcome to London'. Next he sees a sign with an arrow that says 'WC'. Paddy walks in to the WC's and walks straight up to the 3rd door and knocks loudly. "This is occupied" came a man's voice. "Yeah, but are you Neely Dunn?" "Yes" came a timid reply, "But I haven't got any paper!" "Well that's NO Reason for not writing to your Mother!" shouts Paddy.
My wife is not too bright. She got her car stolen right after she got out of it. When I asked if she saw the culprit, she said no but got the license number...