My wife is not too bright. She got her car stolen right after she got out of it. When I asked if she saw the culprit, she said no but got the license number...
One day Saint Peter came down with a terrible cold and had to call Jesus and say that he couldn't make it to work at the Pearly Gates. Jesus, being short on help, decided he would guard the Pearly Gates himself. It turned out to be a very uneventful day at the gate, with hardly a soul coming by to call. Then, late in the afternoon, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, he said, "Good afternoon. I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven." "Well," said Jesus, "tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?" "Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man, "but my son, now he was special! I raised him to be a carpenter and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike." As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!" Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and said, "Pinocchio!"
A kid was late for school again. “It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell, you can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!” Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,…… but he always told her the truth. “You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox . The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, “That fox is back again…I'm a gonna git him! stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids! “My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!” “Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!”
Me: "What do you want for valentines day?" Wife: "Give me a ring that's enough." Me: "From a landline or mobile?"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Home After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watchhigh for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while the lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "s**t" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
Not many people believed in my ability. But after the loss of 14 pounds in 5 weeks I have done it. Fixed the hole in my pocket.
There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house. When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, “Please untie her, please, let her go!” The thief responds with “No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration” The man yet again pleads, “Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!” The burglar once again explains his reasoning. “I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.” The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims “I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!” The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife. “Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately” “No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes”
Once upon a time, there were these twin brother’s named John and Bill Jones. John was happily married to a beautiful woman and bill was the proud owner of a dilapidated rowboat. One day, John’s wife up and died, and on that same day, Bill’s boat sank. A couple of day’s later, and an old lady walks up to Bill thinking he was John and said, ” Mr. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be really sad.” To this Bill replied,” I’m not the least bit sorry. She was a rotten thing right from the start. She had a crack in the back, a pretty big hole in the front, and she smelled of dead fish. I got so I could handle her okay, but if I let anyone else use her, she would leak like anything. The hole in front kept getting bigger and bigger, and she would take on water pretty quick. But this is what finished her. Four guys from out of town were looking for a good time, and asked me if I would rent her out to them. I told them what she was like, but they didn’t care. The problem was, they all tried to get into her at once, and that caused her to split right up the middle.” The old lady fainted on the spot.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed". The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong". The programmer said: "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Wanted to walk the dog yesterday. Just as I was going out my Dad reminds me not to forget poo bags. I replied, "Awww, do I have to take grandma along?"
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go." "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first." "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on." Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh!) Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her. ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied. ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’ ‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.