Went to a topless bar the other night. I was told at the entrance it was $15 bucks to come in. $20 bucks and I'd get a meal. So I paid $20 and sat down waiting. A guy wearing a thong comes up and I ask, "Are you the waiter?" To this he replies, "No. I'm Emile..."
My uncle had 2 wooden legs he had just spent all his money on a new house unfortunately there was a fire just after he moved in luckily the fire brigade saved the house But my uncle was burnt to the ground
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their male member will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. “I'm an employee at the shooting range,” he replies. “Then we'll shoot your tool off!” the prince says. “I'm a fireman,” the second guy says. “Then we'll burn your needle off!” says the prince. The third guy smiles and says, “I'm a lollipop salesman.
I was in graveyard on my knees with my arms round a headstone, crying a why? Why? Why did you die somebody stopped and said are you OK, was it a relative? No I said A good friend? No I said A lover they said No I said, it's the wife's first husband
Young Mr. Thibodeaux met an older woman at City Bar last Saturday night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked Thibodeaux if he'd ever had a Louisiana Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" he asked the attractive older woman. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. As Thibodeaux's mind began to race and embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, and he said nervously, "No ma'am, I haven't." They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink and a smile, "Well mon cher, tonight's your lucky night !!!" They went back to her place. They walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom . . . you still awake?"
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother?!"
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting: "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!" Einstein rolls his eyes: "It's about time".
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."