Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
What Shakespeare really meant ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe. The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground. Translation: Only fight sissies. Great floods have flown from simple sources. Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period. Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful? Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss. Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether. Men at some time are masters of their fate. Translation: Get married and you're screwed. They that thrive well take counsel of their friends. Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them. O, flatter me, for love delights in praises. Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size. The course of true love never did run smooth. Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup. I'll note you in my book of memory. Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after. Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear. Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot. My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires. Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it. Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting. Translation: We should masturbate more.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assholes... Gathered together for the first time ever, our tips on how you can be a more effective asshole: 1.Never respect anyone unless you're sure they could physically beat you up. This includes your own mother, police officers, teachers, the president, your boss and the Pope. 2.Criticize everything, no matter how mundane or pointless it may be. Example: "These fries aren't very f**king crispy!" 3.Always cut people off, whether you’re talking, driving, or having sex. 4.Flick cigarette butts at everything—all the time. Even if you don't smoke. 5.Call everyone you meet by the nickname "Chief."(Always roll your eyes when you say it.) Example: "Yeah, right, whatever you say Chief!" (ROLLS EYES) For extra emphasis, roll your eyes, say "Chief" and flick a cigarette butt at the same time. 6.Always precede the word "man" with either "little," "Mr.," or "old." Examples: "I don’t think you needed that skateboard Little Man, and that’s why I backed over it with my Camaro." "So, Old Man, why don’t you get up out of that wheelchair and MAKE ME!?" "No, I don’t have my license and registration, Mr. Man." (Notice: This is especially useful when speaking to someone you know can not beat you up.) 7.Noogie every small child you meet until they cry--including newborn babies.
Memory Class An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Marriage Lessons On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me please? Thanks, Joe ——————————————————– Dear Joe: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Jewelry 2.2, and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support
A man is almost about to die As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them." His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Someone really stinks A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Only for the Married ones The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.] The wife says: Yes The wife means: No The wife says: No The wife means: No The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No The wife says: I'm sorry The wife means: You'll be sorry The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him The wife says: I'm not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important! In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
Meantime in America .... The economy is so bad I got a pre-declined credit card. CEO's are playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel 6 won't leave the light on. They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street". And when I called the Suicide Hotline, I got a call center in Pakistan & when I told them I was suicidal, they got excited, & asked if I could drive a truck. Thanks Nancy
A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!!..."