Guy next door has gone into hospital after eating a daffodil bulb thinking it was an onion. Doctor said should be out by spring
Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes No wonder men are happier!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says,, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman "The circus?" The duck asks again "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request . She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ... 'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???
Daughter. "Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me, I did not understand". He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper. Father. "Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out, and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe".
O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job." And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?" The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.' You wrote - 'Neither do I
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sale clerks a 'pep talk'. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go." "I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?" "Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results." Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked. Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' " "'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?" "Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me she has the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week... the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying!" "Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?" Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a s**t?'"
A woman was in labour. Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife " Are you my daddy?" The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say "No I'm not" At this, the baby disappeared back inside The midwife called the nurse The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked . Are YOU my daddy?" "NO. I am not!" Once again back in he went At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in. Once again the little head appeared. "Are YOU my daddy?" "Yes I am" The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted "Feckin' hurts doesn't it?!"
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!" It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)' "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
A man is pulled over as he is suspected to have been drink-driving. The police officer asks him to take a breathalyser test, the man pulls a card out of his wallet saying " this man is asthmatic, do not force him to breathe into any device, signed Doctor Smith". The police officer asks for him to take a blood test, the man pulls out another card saying " this man is diabetic, do not take blood from him, signed Doctor Jones". The officer asks the man to take a urine test and he pulls out another card saying " this man is a Man Utd fan, don't take the piss"
There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets, so they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets. The first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of wood. The second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of ice. The third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom, so the salesman sells him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank. Well, they all get what they asked for. The next day all 3 men come back with their toilets. The first man says, “This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it, I get pieces of wood stuck in my butt.” The second man says, “This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it my butt gets frozen to the seat and I have to use a hairdryer to get my butt off.” The third man says, “This toilet is too patriotic. Whenever I want to use the toilet, I sit down and the toilet plays ‘O Canada, and I have to stand up’.”
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."