Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there's no tellin' what they believe, maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife: "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road. The cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."
An old Irish farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the vicar noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the vicar decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the vicar spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the vicar asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money. However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?" "No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second. The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."
INNER PEACE If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then, You Are Probably The Family Dog!
I was in the pub. I go there a lot. My pal Bill was standing at the bar and I noticed that both his ears were bandaged up. "Hello Bill" I said. I spoke loudly as I wasn't sure he would hear me. "What happened to you?" He replied " I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang. Absent mindedly I put the iron to my ear instead of the phone, and burnt my ear" "Gosh" I said "That's terrible - but what happened to your other ear?" Bill looked at me.... "They phoned back."
A priest was standing at the church doors asking his parishioners for a donation to help the local prostitutes. Out comes Henry. And upon being asked for a donation he says, "Awww. Common Reverend. They're already costing me a pretty penny!"
At the height of the Communist era in what was the USSR two guards were on patrol in the evening when they cross a russian citizen running breathlessly. One of the guards aims his rifle at the runner and shoots him dead. 'Why did you do that?" asks his collegue. "Curfew" replies the other. "Wait. It wasn't curfew yet!" "I know. He's my next door neighbor. He never would've made it in time..."
Estate Planning James was a single guy, living alone nor tar from his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit it and a small fortune once his sickly father died. James wanted two things: • To learn how to invest his inheritance and, • To find a wife to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He got up the courage to aproach her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit a small fortune." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women seem so much better at estate planning than men.
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?" The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand" He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well. The man says, "What did you do that for?" The golfer replies... "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."