Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.
Note: When I put my under ware on, it's a "classified briefing" and cannot be shared in a text to the general public. You should see what happens when briefs are "encrypted". Lol.
I said to the missus, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son." She said, "It's natural." "Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels. He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out after that one.
Two men stood on the side of the road with "Stop now!" and "The end is near!" signs. A car drives by and drivers yells "Crazy Bible thumpers!". A few seconds later there is a sound of a car crash. One man turns to the other and says "Do you think we should hold up signs that say "bridge is down" instead?"
The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?" The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar. An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked. The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they're singing!"
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Focus doing 100mph, with her face up against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still putting on her eyeliner. As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my McMuffin out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call. Feckin' women drivers!
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy you look really tired!” His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted, my girlfriend wants sex all the time! Three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!” A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them and overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says, “Marry her. That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.’ The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’ 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.’ The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’ The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’